Self and no self?

I know that this is going to be short...

They say self is like a bunch of grain of rice that sticks together?

If you break it down you will see it doesn't exist?

Today ar... Signed up for a lot of stuff, a volunteer event, a talk on web services, a course on cartooning...

Just hope i won't regret my actions later...

Kinda worried about my DSCN project... My team mates should (have) completed it...

I went for the talk on India, took about 3 hours, the refreshments is sure good :)

I no need to have dinner today :D

Oh well, lets see how tomorrow will be...

"If you don't know where you are going, you might not get there... Just like a driftwood in the sea..."

False, false, and... false?

True and false are the same?

In programming true and false represent different states...

However if you think carefully, can true exist without false?

That is why i say they depend on each other...

You may think i am repeating the same thing over and over, which in some sense quite true...

After all, a circle can represent life :)

Heh... That's my rambling, still too attached to my "self"...

Sooner or later, the truth is bound to appear... And i will be waiting...

About what happened today...

Today was a short day tho, got only 2 lectures and 1 tutorial...

But i had to stay back to do my DSCN project (T-T) which (i hope) is completed...

I need to be more helpful, i know that i kinda look like a slacker on projects, wonder the reason is that i was too used to seat at the back and watch stuff pass by?

My team leader for Major Project isn't feeling too well nowadays, hope he gets better soon...

Aya. So much so little time... i would like to say that but i can't! (T-T) cos i know the real reason i am experiencing this is because i spend too much time in seeking fun...

Its hard to change, i know being too attached to your current lifestyle is not a good thing...

As nothing is unchanging...

Gotta go sleep now (-_-)zZ

"Change is always present, nothings stays the same forever..."

The stars at night...

It is nice to look at them isn't it?

You know, i always wanted to lie down on the grass and look up to the glittering sky.

Why? Haha... Maybe its me watching too such much drama stuff on TV, or maybe i just wanted the world to shrink down like the stars i see at night...

I know... I am attaching to my fantasy again, but sometimes it just seems so great, its like all your problems go away for a moment or so...

However it is advised not to stay in that state for too long (T-T)

Heh... I have been reading up on those things in "Turning your mind into an Ally", and i felt that it is very true...

After all, those thoughts are not real, like dreams one have at night.

It is best to stay focused in the present... Because, that's where you are now, that is all that matters...

Well, i am not saying you should stop planning for you future...

Just know that sometimes things doesn't always go your way, just do your best, that would be enough.

Okay~ Back to what happened today...

Did a discussion on the DSCN project with my team mates, and encountered some problems...

Like some run-time errors when the client connect to the server...

Also not forgetting that we tried to come with alternatives to do the project...

But the due date for the project is on Thursday! Oh no! 2 more days left! (T-T)

Sometimes only went you lose sometime, you realize how important it is...

That is called "taking things for granted", it is a common mistake made by many people (me included too :( )

Now not having much free time made me realized that i should have planned my days carefully...

I know... Due to my moment of folly, i left many things undone...

And now i am having a hard time catching up on them (T-T)

Haiz... Guess i will end today's entry here...

Off to finish what i started, a long time ago...

"Emptiness is not the opposite of existence, a bond like those two are like the cup with water..."

Life goes on...

Its a circle... I mean life is like a circle, or rather that the events that happen in life is like a circle...

If you slow yourself down and look around you... You will see that i am making sense...

I heard that in our world, everyone is rushing around looking for something, in the end what they are really looking for is perhaps so close to them, that they didn't realize it was there all along...

So... Did they spend their them looking for nothing? Well, life is a journey after all.

Perhaps it is one's goal to find out :D

Okay... Back to what happened today...

Tell you the truth, didn't do much today...

I know... I shouldn't be too absorbed in pleasure until i forget what i needed to do.

I will keep that in mind from now on.

This was what i drew today...


(Time flies...)

On-wards to tomorrow!

"The past no-more, in self found, present is now..."

Again and again... What am i looking for?

Yeah... i feel like am looking for something...

What is it am i looking for?

Why, i am not sure too... It seems that something important i lost...

And when i find it... All my problems will be solved?

Oh no... I think i am running away from all my problems (T-T)

Did nothing productive today... Its like something finally snapped inside me that says: "that's it, i don't care anymore..."

This can't go on! What will become of me? Noooo.....

Okay, so maybe a little less dramatic. Never the less, this is quite a serious problem...

Too much stress lately?

Maybe... I am not too sure... Can't think straight for this few days...

Could me missing meditations sessions be the cause?

I think i will try to arrange one session tomorrow.

Er... let us not talk about those depressing stuff...

Heres a drawing i did today:



(The Night)

Lets hope things change for the better tomorrow...

"Days of past, re-lived again, through's Winters night..."

Dreams & Fantasy... What are they made of?

Yes, i would like to know the answer to the question (^Title)

You see, dreams and fantasies are created by ourselves, it is like creating a story with our desire/hopes/fears.

It can be said that people will have different dreams...

Each will happen in different circumstances...

Okay... Enough of talk of non-existence stuff, back to what happened today.

Lets see... Woke up late today at 9am... (I was supposed to wake at 7:30)

Good thing lesson didn't start so early today (Lessons on Friday starts on 12pm)

Completed my proposal draft for CMSK... Teacher said it was quite okay.

What i was worried about is me being too absorbed in my fantasy that i lose myself in it... It happened again today...

Meditation today was not going too well, was run over by many wild thoughts...

Seems that i am losing my concentration, perhaps it is due to lack of game play?

Ha ha... Maybe...

"The summer night, stars shining, never this bright..."

More is good?

*Yawnz*

Oh wow... Another day passed...

Its like way past my bed time, that's why i feel kinda sleepy?
(I normally sleep like at 11pm)

Anyways on what happened today...

Nothing much different happened, still board the same crowded bus to school...

Oh boy, they sure need to increase the frequrency of the bus, cos it was still packed even although i went to the interchange to take the bus...

DSCN project? How did it go?

Well, we started coding already seems to be moving along fine, hopefully no stuns come up on the way...

In class today, felt very sleepy tho... Maybe due to lack of sleep?

Hahaha... I know i should write this down...

i am constantly too engaged in my own fantasy that i lose track of time, which is also why i am still up at such an hour (T-T)

From 7-8:30pm i don't know what i was doing... I was looking for something...

But for what? I don't understand... As if i was search for something very important...

What exactly is it?

Almost forgot, my meditation today was quite restless too...

What is wrong with me?

Guess the fantasy i created is trying to take over again... *Sigh*

Oh well, i think i need some sleep now, cya...

"The foreign wind, blowing eastward, is still as cold..."

Bang... Bang... Bang?

Heh, seems that Gunz is going to my head, how does those Koreans do their moves, don't they get dizzy?

Oh well, i suppose one would be like them when one reaches their level.

Okay, back to business on what happened today.

Lets see... Today started out not so well, considering having a weird dream earlier that morning.

Dreamt about me carrying my favorite stuff toy, on a MRT train... Don't know what that is supposed to meant :p

Dreams are due to your mind is still working overtime, bringing your morning activities into your mind at nite, and weaves a fantasy out of it
(Thats what i think on dreams :D )

DSCN project? Nope, didn't do anything on it today at school...

Why? because... beca... er... i am not sure too, guess laziness kicked in.

But worry not, did an "Experiment" at home, i think i kinda got the hang of it.

This was what i drew at school today:


(Looking...)

Maybe you should guess what i was feeling then, when i drew this :D

Arghhh! Still got cmsk haven't do yet... Must hand in Friday (T-T)

ENAD project i suppose will be pushed back to the holidays...

Haiz... How to work all this out? I really want to know...

"The flower sleeps, in spring, it will awaken..."

Completeness vs Falling to pieces...

Oh boy, another day passed...

Not much progress on my DSCN project, i think i know what to do now...

And on my Major Project... What should i do now? Ahhhh! Its like falling to pieces all over again!

Like this picture...



Ever heard that it is just natural such thing will happen...

Life is like completeness and falling to pieces... All at the same time, can make you cry or fill you with joy...

Although i know that life isn't just a bed of roses, but who doesn't like a worry free environment?

I read in the book "Turning the mind into a ally" that we always try to make the ever-changing to stop changing, to find joy in suffering

which is like... Wrong...

We should flow with it... But how?

Haiz... Went for a feedback session for school today...

When i first went in the room, i couldn't help but notice that the way the teachers was seating was like those judges on the "Idol" shows... I was like "lol"

The session was a short one, but i just couldn't help but felt that i was a coward...

I didn't say anything there, even although i have a number of stuff to say...

Why am i so afraid? Why? My fear had completely taken over me...

Maybe due to the lack of meditation lately?

Heh... Living life in a fantasy, a unreal dream... Would i really feel happy?

We have hopes and fears to keep our "Fantasy" together, the by-product of them is what one call "Worry", because if it doesn't go according to plan, our life would be a disaster?

"Sound of wind, rustling of leaves, never been better... "

Days of...

Got started on the DSCN project...

Okay... so maybe not much yet, but i did some discussion with my group members, i think it can work out.

Found out that one can use ObjectOutputStream to pass data over the server...

Haiz... At home already still talk about school stuff... Must kick myself.

*Kicks* *Ouch* *Kicks* *Ouch!*

Okay back here, started reading a book: "Turning your mind into an ally"

So what is it about? Basically like the previous books i borrowed, it talks about "Zen" this book seems to cover some stuff that wasn't found in other books, hooray!

Hopefully it can help me find out what been happening this few weeks...

Oh ya, i almost forgot wanted to add this site here but keep forgetting (Silly Me)

Here you go! www.zenguide.com

Wa... Still so much to do... I hope i can handle...

Still got ENAD
CMSK
My Major Project (T-T)

Heh... But not forgetting that Gunz today have big update :)

I am off to play! He he!

"Winds of change, come please, blow me away..."

Heh... In a circle it completes...

Well, life is a big circle isn't it?

Heh, i hope that survive the circle tho.

Why i say that? Because i feel that i tried to control what i should do today, guess how did it work out?

It started out well, until my mind tried to go against me, like a horse that refuses to stop...

Never the less, i still feel unsafe as if i know things won't go right...

My 15 min of meditation today wasn't going too well, still being "Run-over" by my thoughts

Oh well, i guess i wouldn't call my meditation session all bad, there was a few moment of silence... i think i would need to work on it more...

Ayayaya...(O_O) tomorrow is the date i am going to start on my DSCN project(A networking+programing subject). Hope i won't screw up this time...

Oh ya, a funny thing happened one of my old friends thought i have a girl friend already...

Which wasn't true (T-T), still haven't meet the girl for me... Or is it I didn't look hard enough?

Haha...

"The spring wind, blowing on, i fly with it..."

I am still here :)

No no, i haven't forgotten about this!

I just didn't felt like writing for the past few weeks, so i drew instead...

Pictures are worth a thousand words...Yes? Well, here you go!

(One's Desire)
(End of Craziness)
(Eaten...)
(Unfocused)

So, what happened this few weeks? I hear you ask.

Well, i suppose besides the projects and homework, i can say it was quite a ok time.

But, in my major project group, i seems to be the one who slacks a lot :(

I am really afraid that i would get left behind.

Everyone, as if they know what they needed to do... Me? I am just hurrying following behind them, wearing a mask of pretences that i can and knew what was going on...

Oh, boy... Hope i get myself to do stuff right this time round...

Besides the project, i seems to be lagging behind in school work! I drew out a plan to study/revise my school work, it would be a short 15 min session each (Same amount of time i use for meditation.)

Why 15min? Well.. I told myself since i can sit for 15 minutes to still my mind why can't i do that for school work? Lets just hope this work out for the best...

Oh ya, i kinda hooked on the game GunZ nowadays, its a FPS and the best of all is that it is F2P (Free to Play)!

here's the website if you need it: http://www.gunzonline.com

But the servers tend to be crowded! Never the less, just hammer the login to get in (^_^)

Am I alone?

Hey, i would like say sorry for not updating this blog for a few days...

Well, it seems that i was too caught up in my feeling of losing control, it seems that everything that was right is now turning wrong.

Its like a tornado inside me, swirling me around i don't know what to do!

I have started to think weird questions like the one in the title... Am I alone?

Things that seems so familiar seems so... far-away...

As if i couldn't gasp them in my hand anymore...

Am I going crazy?

I read somewhere before, that this could be caused by great anxiety...

"Panic Attacks" they call it...

Gripping tightly to what i still have, i wanted to calm myself down...

Wasn't very effective tho, but i think the zen stuff i read before is helping me gain back a bit of control, i would now concentrate on doing what i am doing, and let my other "Horrible" thoughts pass and move on...

I think i would need to practice more meditation, it helps to keep peace with myself... or so they say...

But not to worry too much, i guess i would be alright after a while...

I suppose so, everything pass on sooner or later... That was what i learnt too.

Its like you are terrified of the darkness in the night, but you remember the sun will always rise in the morning, it will give you hope...

"Hope..." I whisper to myself when i lose control.

"The rising sun give me hope..."

One hand clapping...

I am sure this Koan is quite famous, i think most of you heard of this:

"What is the sound of one hand clapping?"

Think it through clearly! I suppose it will be different for everyone.

Me? Honestly i am still stuck at the gateless gate, unable to pass through...

I guess you have to give this things time, maybe one day i will pass through the gateless gate :)

I know that today's entry is a bit short, but due to time contraints...

Never the less... The koan of one hand clapping can surely keep you puzzled for a moment.

Remember, everyone's answer is different :D

here's some funny flash on Legend of Zelda i found on the web, enjoy :)

http://www.dirtydollcreations.com/The%20Real%20Legend.html (Part one)
http://www.dirtydollcreations.com/The%20Real%20Legend%20Of%20Zelda%202.html (Part 2)

Life... Oh joy...

Yup, you heard right.

Life indeed a joy to us, so cherish it, every moment of it as it will not be coming back.

Life is full of surprises, you never really know what will happen tomorrow.

Always have a "Beginner's Mind"!

I read about this in the book, this sentence made a deep impression on me:

"The past is already over, the future will seems never here, what is left is the
present"

Living in the moment, experience it fully, that's what i am trying to do.

Take more time "feeling" your surroundings, rather then rushing around...

Believe me it will do you good :)

Oh boy, the "Zen" stuffs seems to be rubbing of me, but it is a good change. I now start to appreciate more stuff in life now...

Remember:

The present is a gift, that's why we call it the "Present" :)