Haiz... i am quite tired now... think i will make this short...
Today was okay, nothing major came up...
I rested most of today alway... haven started on important stuff yet (T-T)
Haiz... is history repeating itself again?
"Round and round on this wheel... This is life..."
Yeah... I noticed that i didn't update for some days...
I'm afraid its becoming a habit...
See... I am trying to squeeze every bit of 'time' dry...
I am always running away now... I keep avoiding all my problems...
Pretending that they don't exist... But they do! I hear them screaming in the back of my head when i go to sleep...
Sleep is the only time i feel safe... Now, its like everyday... I am afraid...
I know problems exist for us to learn from it...
But since last time i felt so broken down... There doesn't seems to have much hope left in me...
Why...? I want to know...
Now for my projects... Only Major Project and CMSK left...
But i still feel so pressured...
The scary thing was: I was desperate enough to think of suicide...
I am not sure why i though of that... Life is precious and we shouldn't waste it...
Because i don't know what will happen after that... Who knows...?
Like my friend said:
"When we die... That's the end of story... We return to the earth... Nothing
more..."
"Cloud is cloud, sky is sky... Remember that!"
Nah... Aliens did not kidnap me...
I was busy doing my Major Project and my other school project, doesn't seems to have much time to write this blog.
Felt like a was forced into a corner... That feeling was overwhelming, i felt like i lost hope in everything at that moment...
Didn't do much stuff today... Maybe i worked too hard the previous days? Ha ha...
10+ days to submission of Major Project... Haiz...
Oh ya, i returned the book tap dancing in zen today, and borrowed a new book...
Its "meeting monkey halfway" (I think), spent some time at the library machine because my card was not working...
Which was funny, when i was about to give up... My library card finally worked! But after that, i encountered the same error (T-T)
Well... Onwards to tomorrow...
"They say we always have time, we always make time for 'important' stuff...
Don't we? ;)"
Haiz... drowning in my own problems makes me wanna run away from everything...
Maybe thats the reason i didn't update this blog for sometime...
My MP is haiz...
My other projects also haiz...
Well... Hope that tomorrow will be a better day :)
"You can run away from yourself... But you can never hide from the
truth..."
Grabbing on to strongly is no good...
That makes you attached to the certain thing, which in this case is 'Time'
Arrggh! What am i saying... seems that i am gettin too sleepy to write...
Time seems always not enough for me...
is it the same thing for you?
"Time... Now you see it... Now you don't :)"
No... I am not suffering from amnesia...
I was thinking about this question... Who exactly am i?
My usual response to this is that i am an average guy living an average life...
Nothing special about me...
Wait... If i am a average guy then... Will i disappear... Forgotten like every average guy?
Cos people don't really notice my kind of people...
They usually care about the super good and super bad... Sad to say they don't remember those in the middle...
So i strive to be special... Tried to join the rank of the elites... Didn't work out so well...
Seems that they were simply too "Elite" to start with...
And not to say... i wouldn't want to attract negative attention from people, so being super bad was out of the question...
Which makes me still stuck at the average bunch... Haiz...
You know, all this stuff could be the work of my judging mind... In other words my ego... Pride...
That kind of feeling that you have to be bigger and better then people...
To be free from our ego we no longer need to satisfy such an unhealthy hunger...
Its like they say:
"No point showing off to people above you, they would still look down on you..."
"Same for people below you, show off to them, they would just envy you..."
Oh... Oh most forgot... There what i drew today :)
(My Snow White :D )
Click here to see how i drew this.
(Me!)
Click here to see how i drew this.
Today is national day... So Happy Birthday Singapore! I watched the NDP on TV... Lazy to go get tickets :)
At least completed something today... My part on the ENAD project...
However still got DSCN and Major Project to do... Aiyayayayaaa....
Oh boy! Sure hope tomorrow works out :D
"When you want something, you lose everything..."
"When you don't want anything, you have everything...'
Had a scary nightmare yesterday night/early morning...
I can't seems to remember it clearly now...
I think it got something to do about zombies... I just remember it's a scary dream...
I woke up sweating... My window was open... The clouds in the sky looked yellow...
At that point in time... I wasn't sure if i was still dreaming...
I didn't dare to close my eyes... Until i felt that i was safe...
In the morning, the clouds seems normal again... Perhaps it was just my imagination?
Maybe...
Oh no... Only 1 week left to complete my two projects not to mention my Major Project (T-T)
How am i going to squeeze this?
Argg! One free day tomorrow because it's national day (Happy 40th Birthday Singapore!) but i don't think i can do much... Cos my relatives are coming over to celebrate...
I think i will go speak to the tree in the garden...
Well... I will stop here for today (-_-) Nite!
""Does a dog have Buddha nature?"
"MU!"
Haiz... Spend most of today doing my major project and nothing...
It seems that this mp stuff is draining me of my life (T-T)
I sure is happy when this thing is finally over... Which won't be... At least for a few weeks that is...
Not forgetting my other projects... DSCN, ENAD...
Oh no... Have 1 week to finish them...
Guess my friend said rite, this coming week... No one will have a good night's sleep...
Why didn't i start my projects earlier?
Hey... Its always easier to give advise then to follow them ya'know.
I spend my time thinking i was doing important stuff ok?
So maybe they wasn't that important... But it sure seems to be at that moment in time...
Aiya... My old habit of fearing phone calls are back again? Maybe because i have linked my handphone calls to having more work to be done? Who knows?
maybe i need to seek help...
Another day passed while i still don't know what i was doing...
This can be going for sometime..
Anyways, it's time to turn in... Hope tomorrow will be a better day :)
"The cloudy sky fore tell a storm's arrival...."
Again and again...
Its seems so hard to stick to the orginal path isn't it?
Arrggg! The pain... the pain...
Talking about path... reminds me of the book "Tap dancing in zen"
The metta sutra... was the main theme of the book
Heres the sutra:
This is what should be done
By one who is skilled in goodness,
And who knows the path of peace:
Let them be able and upright,
Straightforward and gentle in speech.
Humble and not conceited,
Contented and easily satisfied.
Unburdened with duties and frugal in their ways.
Peaceful and calm, and wise and skilful,
Not proud and demanding in nature.
Let them not do the slightest thing
That the wise would later reprove.
Wishing: In gladness and in safety,
May all beings be at ease.
Whatever living beings there may be;
Whether they are weak or strong, omitting none,
The great or the mighty, medium, short or small,
The seen and the unseen,
Those living near and far away,
Those born and to-be-born,
May all beings be at ease!
Let none deceive another,
Or despise any being in any state.
Let none through anger or ill-willWish harm upon another.
Even as a mother protects with her life
Her child, her only child,So with a boundless heart
Should one cherish all living beings:
Radiating kindness over the entire worldSpreading upwards to the skies,
And downwards to the depths;
Outwards and unbounded,
Freed from hatred and ill-will.
Whether standing or walking,
seated or lying down
Free from drowsiness,
One should sustain this recollection.
This is said to be the sublime abiding.
By not holding to fixed views,
The pure-hearted one,
having clarity of vision
,Being freed from all sense desires,
Is not born again into this world.
Heh... its quite long... Perhaps when i truely userstand this sutra... I will no longer stray from my path :)
I think you must agree with me, most people nowadays own their own handphone, the age goes down from like 10...
It seems that a handphone has become an extention of a person, it like part of your body...
This craze i think kicked in when i was still in secondary school...
Before that, i thought...
"why bring a handphone around?
I can call from any public pay phone...
Why bring a handphone along just because you can play it's game when you are bored? I take my gameboy color over this any day..."
Well... That's pretty much what i thought...
Until... It became a trend... Needing to keep up, i pestered my parents to buy me one...
It was an old Motorola model... But at that time i was very happy...
Ah... Good old times...
Now? i own a color phone... No camera tho...
But i just seems not to want to upgrade unlike before...
Haiz... It's getting dark... Just i will continue this another day...
"Life is like a wrestling match, huh? So which side wins?"
"Love... Love always win :)"
Sianz don't feel like typing much today...
Stuck in MP, kinda hard to move on... New requirements keep coming up...
I tried...
i am so tired of this...
oh well... Life goes on... Nite (-_-)zZ
"The blue wind... Where are you now?"
Oh no... I realised that i had totally no idea how to proceed further...
In case you are wondering, i am talking about my major project...
It's now me staring blankly at the code my team leader gave me to convert animations to png file...
Sure... It's coded nicely... It takes in a animation file, then outputs a png file of it...
Sounds wonderful huh? Well, it just seems that it can only read in files! Not binary streams!
How am i going to convert them this way...?
Some one... Please help me?
The next thing is that my supervisor for my Major Project wants me to display the frame filled png as a animation on the web...
Is that even possible? Am i going to convert the png back to animation?
Arrggg.... So much thoughts... My brain is hurting...
Like this picture
(Explosion!)
Here's the link that shows how i drew it click here
"Originally nothing... Where can dust settle?"
Why didn't i update my blog for one day?
Well, i was busy playing on a new MU private server... (MUPK)
Which took away most of my time (',')... I admit being lazy was one of the factor...
Today?
Well, i stayed in school till like 6... Reached home at 7+ started gaming again...
So is that right or wrong?
In some way i would want it to be right... Then i wouldn't feel so guilty playing away my free time...
On the other hand... I wanted my self to feel guilty doing so... Because i knew i had other important stuff to do (like blogging...)
Its like in a wrestling match... The one that win will prevail...
(I took that from a book :D)
Speaking about books... I began reading one, naturally it is in the scope of zen...
Its name is "Tap dancing in Zen"
Why tap dancing? Let me explain...
The beginning stage of realizing we have a problem is like we learning crawl on fours like babies...
We start to search for the source of the problem... Is like walking on two legs...
Finally the last stage that we realize the truth... We can tap dance now... :D
Hehe... Hope i am making sense to you, because i am rushing to write this because of the reminders that i have to sleep now... There you have it : )
Nite (-_-)zZ
"The greatest drawback in lying isn't that nobody believes you, it
is you that cannot believe what anyone says anymore..."
Nooo.... Fear struck again once more...
My friend asked me on the NS thing that i submitted weeks ago...
He ask me i got apply for deferment... I was like, why apply for deferment again when i done it before going to poly?
Then... After a while... Fear struck!
"Do i need to apply?"
"If i did it wrong... How? I very afriad i did it wrong..."
"Don't make sense! I mean..."
"What if he's right? I haven't asked my other friends yet..."
Woah! Thats a lot of though going on there... See how a moment ago i was peaceful...
And suddenly i became a volcano of emotion...
Ok ok... I admit i was kinda lazy this few days... It seems that i was running away from what i am supposed to do...
Haiz... What should i do now? Maybe you can give me some advice (T-T)
"The cat like fish, the old man drinks tea..."